I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
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Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!