Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
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me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it