I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.