Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
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“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Great acting.. 😂
Respect
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Hit me in the face with a bird
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Look at this
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Discuss
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?