I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
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*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.