I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
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Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.