[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
You Might Also Like
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
They did not think through this water fountain
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?