Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels