accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
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just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
💻🤡
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.