Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
You Might Also Like
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
dogs can find happiness so easily
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing