Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes