There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Great Canadian literature.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.