Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
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you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.