Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
You Might Also Like
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.