My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
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Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.