Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
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I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
This has made my week.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Brb my Sims are getting married
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no