Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
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A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Me too door. Me too.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”