Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
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you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Morning.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
going to the ER y’all need anything
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.