“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.