I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
love it when they get my name right
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.