Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
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I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.