Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
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A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Introverted vegans go meetless
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?