You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
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accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
men, we mow at sunrise.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.