How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
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I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
As the Lord intended