Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
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“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti