People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
How dramatic are you?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]