[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
You Might Also Like
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
who did the taste test?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.