I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
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In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Pretty much! 😂👀
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?