I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
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What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth