[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Anyone really
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy