*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
You Might Also Like
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
A short story of betrayal:
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*