I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?