Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.