I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
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When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”