This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
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The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.