[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
You Might Also Like
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
giddy up Office Depot
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.