[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I thought this was funny lol
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?