Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
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me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.