*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
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My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft