Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
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Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.