Every BBC series about the universe.
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broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction