“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
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women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
So can we start calling them Traylor now?