Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
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[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*