Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
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Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.