throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are