Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
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I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
And they lived apathetically ever after.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
are there any atheist mantises?
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Ha.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes