RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
A small tragedy.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.