I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
You Might Also Like
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.