like u make the diseases or are against them ?
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[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
fair
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
From my Mom
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.