Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
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If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Care for your back
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac